I'm sick of being someone I'm not
by Coffeeaddictgirl
Summary: I lean down and whisper in her ear, "I really want to kiss you right now." Tris winks, and whispers back "later, I just might let you." I've known Beatrice Prior since she was 10 and I was 12. We chose Dauntless together, when we figured out that all either of us wanted was to be free.
1. I'm sick of smiling and so is my jaw

**Obviously I am not Veronica Roth, no one from the Divergent world belongs to me, and I am making no money. If I quote anything directly from the books I will put it in italics so you know it's not mine. This is my first fanfiction so if I suck, please tell me so I won't waste my time writing more of this down. I originally rated this story M but changed it to T. I will be cross posting on my a03 account, the link is on my profile page. If the chapter gets steamy I will let you know so you can go over there to check out what's missing if you want.  
**

I'm sick of smiling and so is my jaw, can't you see my front is crumbling down? I'm sick of being someone I'm not; please get me out of this slump. (New Found glory)

Tobias

I lean down and whisper in her ear, "I really want to kiss you right now." Tris winks, and whispers back "later, I just might let you." I've known Beatrice Prior since she was 10 and I was 12. We chose Dauntless together, when we figured out that all either of us wanted was to be free. I wanted free of my father's brutality and she wanted free of the crushing weight of expectations she would never live up to. I transferred 2 years ago, and I have missed having her around every day.

As a faction leader I am free to come and go from Dauntless headquarters freely but I have not been able to visit as often as I would like. Faction before blood, and all that crap. I shake myself out of my thoughts, and make the announcement "first jumper, Tris." She moves away and it kills me to let her. I want to grab her and never let her out of my sight again. But I can't, I'm her instructor and I have to remain aloof and objective.

I have already asked the other instructor to score her. Just so no one can claim favoritism when it becomes common knowledge that we have been best friends for 6 years and more than friends for 3. Out of the corner of my eye, I watch Lauren walk up to Tris and wonder if she is going to blow the secret already, just by being too eager to meet her. Zeke is my best guy friend and Lauren is his girlfriend, making her my friend by default. So in all honesty I doubt she will really be any more objective than I would in the scoring. I wouldn't be surprised if she padded Tris's score just to keep her here, and make me happy. It won't be necessary though.

Tris and I have been training to switch to Dauntless since we were kids. The training started innocently enough. Just running and lifting whatever we could find to use as weights, helping us build muscle. We started hand to hand fighting later, which was a bit more difficult to hide, at least for her. No one noticed my bruises; they blended in with my fathers. But her family sure noticed hers. Her mom, dad, and brother are convinced she is a world class klutz. They must be laughing about her transfer thinking she is crazy for doing it, when she can't walk without tripping or knocking into things.

Learning to get on and off the train the Dauntless way was definitely a challenge. It took us months of practice to get it right. She is so tiny it's hard for her to jump high enough to pull her body up, and I hated jumping off. That weightless feeling mid jump just did not sit well with me. I really need to focus on the initiates falling into the net and stop thinking about Tris. Down boy, you can get Lauren to sneak her to your apartment later, just get through this boring stuff first.

Tris

I'm trying hard not to stare at Tobias, sorry Four, must get used to calling him Four. But those dark blue eyes keep pulling me back in. All I want right now is to be alone with him, wrapped in his arms, running my fingers over his back. I love tracing his tattoos. Eyes, hands, or mouth, doesn't matter as long as I get to worship them.

My attention is pulled away from him by a dark haired girl walking towards me. She's pretty in a generic sort of way, the only thing eye catching about her are 3 silver rings through her right eyebrow. "I'm Lauren, a friend of Four's," she says by way of introduction. Very abrupt and direct, "no don't look at me like that, he's all yours, I'm dating his friend Zeke. And trust me when you meet Zeke you will understand why Four doesn't interest me in the least. How it's possible to happily date someone that broody and monosyllabic is beyond me."

I crinkle my nose and smile; I think I might like this girl. She is almost as direct as Christina, the Candor girl I met on the train here. "He's not that bad really, just not a share his thoughts kind of guy. Makes what he does say more meaningful, and I'm not a fan of useless chatter anyway."

Lauren looks thoughtful and replies "ya, I guess that's one way of looking at it. So on to other things, just so you know I will be scoring the first stage of your initiation. That way no one can say favorites were played. The leaders score the second 2 stages. Four swears you are prepared for the tests so don't let him down. Also you desperately need new clothes, and Four will probably want me to try and sneak you into his apartment later tonight. We can use the clothes shopping as an excuse and get you there that way."

I scrunch up my face in a tortured way and reply "could you just make the clothes magically appear in my trunk, I hate shopping. And you need another excuse either way; if shopping is involved Christina will want to come." Lauren laughs and replies with a smirk "no I will not make the clothes just appear, first we shop and then I will think of something to get you to Four's place tonight. I think he is getting rather tired of his right hand, and first day of training will go so much better if he's in a good mood. Please tell me you 2 aren't all stiff about that stuff. Because if having you around is going to make him more tense than you not being here I am not going to be happy."

I blush furiously; I can't believe she just said that. But I can't believe my own reply even more "well one particular part of him is often stiff, but no neither of us are stiffs about sex. I will see what I can do about making him happy for tomorrow's training." I smirk and walk away. I don't think I can get a better closing line than that.


	2. Let's call a 69 Abnegation sex

**So a line from this chapter is what prompted me to post this story in the first place. When I thought of it I found myself giggling like a crazy person at work. I just thought, I wonder if anyone else would find this as funny as I do, so here goes. Also I have been editing chapter one, and if those of you following kept getting alerts I am so, so sorry. Hopefully it doesn't do that but I honestly don't know. In the future I will reread a few dozen times in word before posting. This chapter gets steamy, so check it out on my A03 account if you want to read the sex, the link is on my profile page. **

Let's call a 69 Abnegation sex from now on

Tris

I'm sitting on the dorm beds across from Christina and decide to bring up shopping, might as well get the evil task over with. "So I'm told and I'm sure you agree that my clothes are horrible. Heck even I agree, it's not like Abnegation was known for its sense of fashion. We weren't even allowed to look in mirrors. Lauren will be here in a bit to go shopping. I'm sure you want to come too."

Christina smiles wide and squeals, jumping up and down, scaring me just a bit. "Yes, yes, yes, thank god, I thought I was going to have to drag you kicking and screaming. One question though, why Lauren? How come you 2 seem so close all of the sudden?"

I bite my lip, debating what to tell her. Christina is my friend and I trust her, but I don't want to screw anything up. "Can I tell you a secret? I know you were Candor and a big fan of honesty but you have to swear to keep this between us." She nods with wide eyes, probably wondering what kind of secrets a boring stiff can have. "Four and I know each other from Abnegation; we have been best friends since I was 10 and more than friends for about 3 years. Lauren is dating Four's friend Zeke, so she is the only one besides him who knows about us. She wants us all to get along. You don't need to worry about favoritism or anything. Stages 2 and 3 weigh more heavily on the scores and the leaders score those. Four will only score Dauntless born initiates in the final stages to keep things fair, and Lauren will be scoring me in stage one."

Christina looks stunned at the news "you and Four? Damn no wonder you don't seem afraid of him like everyone else. Here I just thought you were stupid and a bit suicidal. But really, Four, he is just so terrifying. How are you not frightened of him?"

I shrug "well for one thing, I've known him since I was 10, and second he's really not that scary all the time. It's his job to intimidate the initiates, so if you are scared, he's doing a good job. Wait till we are done, and you'll see he's not that bad. I mean don't get me wrong, nice isn't his thing, but he is less intimidating when he relaxes. He's even downright cheerful if you get him drunk."

Lauren walks in then and I groan, "darn I guess it's shopping time." Lauren and Christina laugh and reply together "yes, yes it is." I think hard and realize I should probably set some ground rules to speed things up. "I don't want anything slutty, tight is ok, but I would like my butt and boobs covered. Also I will not cut my hair so don't even try. Oh and I want a tattoo while we are out. By the way Lauren, Christina knows, so she will cover for me later."

By the time we finally exit the store, I feel like it's been hours and I am mentally exhausted. The ground rules only did so much when being pushed around by 2 demanding fashionistas. But I came out the winner, almost everything is practical, and nothing makes me feel like a whore. I even wore a new dress out of the store. It's black with a sweetheart neckline. One shoulder has a sort of see though wide strap in a textured fabric that overlays the whole dress. It has a wide circle skirt and a low waist. I still look awkwardly thin but the neckline gives the illusion of a chest and the wide skirt gives the effect of hips. It's short enough to make my legs look longer, but long enough to feel decent. I drew the line at heels. I may be more graceful than I have given the illusion of all these years but those things just look painful and awkward.

The tattoo parlor was much less painful, surprising right? I fell in love with a drawing of three ravens immediately. They will be a reminder of my family, but also of the fact that I am finally free to fly. They are across my collarbone, which is very visible in my new dress. My dad would be so mad if he saw me right now. But I'm happy and free and that's all that matters.

Christina, Lauren and I part ways. Christina heads back to the dorms, where she will spread the word that I am hiding from her after a painful shopping trip. Lauren and I head to Four's apartment and she leaves me at the door. "you can't be here long, they sometimes check the dorms at night to make sure the initiates haven't wandered off and fallen into the chasm or something. You have half an hour tops, probably more like 20 minutes to be safe. He better be happy when I get back." I really wish we hadn't wasted so much time shopping.

Tobias

I hear a knock at my door and when I open it Tris is standing there smiling shyly. She looks amazing in a little black dress, with a row of flying ravens on her collarbone. I so badly want to lick those birds, and I now get why her hands and mouth are always on my back. That tattoo, combined with the dress and make up is so sexy. It's like Tris is finally herself, and she looks so happy.

She steps in close every inch of her touching me, "we only have 20 minutes, so let's make the most of them." She takes my shirt off in one quick motion and splays her hand across my sides, right over the flames that wrap around from my back. Before I can process what is happening she is spinning me around and running her hot little tongue over my tattoos of the faction symbols.

I savor the feeling before turning back around and pulling her towards me, dipping my head to run my tongue along her ravens. She moans loudly, grinding her hips against me and suddenly I am on fire. I need her now, right now! It has been too long since anyone's hands but my own have touched me.

She smiles at me wickedly "I heard about something called a 69 today, I thought we could try it. It should save some time if nothing else. Plus it sounded really hot."

God, I love this girl. Sometimes she is so innocent and sweet, perfect Abnegation. Then things like that come out of her mouth. I slide out of my jeans without bothering to undo them and reach for her as she slides a pair of black boy cut panties out from under her dress. The idea that she is leaving her dress on is so sexy. I hope she bought more than one. I pull her towards the bed and lay down. She climbs on top of me and straddles my chest backwards. This way the control is hers, and I know Tris likes control in all situations.

Awhile later she spins back around and lays on my chest, petting my stomach, practically purring in pleasure. "Tobias, it has been too long since we had time alone. I really missed you." She kisses me roughly nibbling on my bottom lip, taking a path from my neck up to my ear. Tris licks the shell and playfully tugs on the end, then whispers "I love you, and as much as I would like to fall asleep in your arms right now it's time to go." I know she's right but it is hard to let her leave. I watch her get up and shimmy into her underwear. She turns around and finger waves, smirking in a cat that ate the canary kind of way, opens the door and leaves.

Tris

Lauren appears at the door just as I exit it. My smile is relaxed and very pleased. "I've only been gone like 20 minutes, you should not look so satisfied. Let me guess, you went in there to make him happy, but he is much too Abnegation to just take pleasure so he pleased you instead."

The smile doesn't leave my face, and the languid feeling doesn't ease from my limbs. All I want is to lay down for a bit and enjoy the feeling. But instead I reply smugly "there is such a thing as a 69, twice the fun in half the time."

Lauren looks stunned for a second with my honesty, "huh, that is so stiff, can't take pleasure without giving it. I think we should call a 69 Abnegation sex from now on, it definitely fits. There is nothing selfish about taking pleasure as long as you are giving it in return. Yes, I am calling 69ing Abnegation from now on."

By this point I'm giggling uncontrollably and still haven't lost that squishy warm feeling. "Yes that will be very funny. Every time a person says the word Abnegation someone from Dauntless will laugh thinking about it. We will have all of Abnegation wondering what the joke is in a few months. Well much as I would like to stay and chat, I guess I should get back to the dorms, thank you for helping with that. I really missed Four, and it was nice to have a bed to fool around in, the heating didn't hurt either. It's cold in all those abandoned buildings. Not exactly the type of place where your first thought is, we should take off our clothes and have some fun."

I return to the dorms silently and hope no one notices the smile I can't seem to wipe off my face. I put on the shirt that I stole from Four and sniff the collar. I fall asleep smiling, content for the first time in ages. I'm finally in Dauntless, and as long as I survive initiation, I will get to see Tobias every day. I'm free.


	3. The tongue like a sharp knife kills

**Thank you to everyone who has read, reviewed, followed or sent me kudos so far. I just wanted to say first of all I don't know if what I am proposing in this chapter is possible. I don't throw knives, considering how clumsy I am that would just be stupid. But hey if anyone wants to try it and let me know I would love that. Just kidding, don't throw knives; it's probably a bad idea. Also I loosely quoted Buffy in here; it's in italics and not mine. **

The tongue like a sharp knife kills without drawing blood (Buddha)

Tris

Well I was happily asleep, but I am awake now thanks to Al's extremely load sobbing. There is a small part of me that feels bad, but mostly I am just annoyed. We all miss our families but it's no reason to act like a pansy cake. I can already tell Al isn't going to make it. I think a lot of people just see the fun side of Dauntless when they choose to transfer; the kids jumping off trains, and zip lining across the city. But what they seem to forget is that Dauntless members are the city's soldiers. We are expected to fight and protect all the other factions. Dauntless may play hard, but they work hard too. I might be wrong; maybe he will get over the homesickness and be a freaking machine once training starts, but I doubt it.

Another thing about Al that bugs me is that he seems to have developed some kind of crush on me just because I was nice to him on the train. Why me, why not Christina, she was nice too? I can tell he is looking at me like I am some delicate flower or a damsel in distress. Maybe when he sees me kicking butt in training he will get over it, because I sure as heck don't need some boy protecting me. As always hope springs eternal.

Thinking about how lame Al is just makes me think of Tobias. God there is just no comparison; Four is tough, brave, and hot. And a whole lot of other things that Al just isn't. I'm not trying to be mean, and it's not like I would ever tell anybody any of this, but his little crush is just laughable.

I know how lucky I am to have Tobias. It's not like I am an irresistible bombshell. I'm convinced the only reason I have Four is because I grabbed him young, before things like boobs mattered, and never let go. I worry about what will happen when we are alone and not crunched for time, or in a semipublic setting. Tobias has never seen me fully naked, bits and pieces yes, but I have never been topless around him. I am terrified he will see me laid bare and find me wanting or worse laugh and walk away. But I know it's going to happen eventually, we are at that point where sex, the full act, is inevitable. Stopping lately is nearly impossible, _and that part at the end of the night or afternoon, where we say goodbye, it's getting harder. _

I shake my head to clear my thoughts and decide to table these issues for later. Al might become a none issue soon and unless I get plastic surgery my boobs aren't getting any bigger. I just need to trust that Tobias loves me the way I am. We have been mostly apart for 2 years; if he wanted a prettier girl with big boobs he would have her by now.

Much as I would like to go back to sleep, I'm awake now. On the bright side I have time to do the hair and makeup thing, pick out a cute outfit, and get coffee. I'm not much of a morning person, so even in Abnegation with no clothing choices or primping to do, I still found myself drinking my coffee on the run and missing breakfast entirely almost every morning. Hey it turns out Al has a use after all, alarm clock.

Tobias

I walk into to breakfast, hoping to see Tris, but not being too optimistic about it. To say she is not a morning person is the understatement of the century. So I am shocked to see her sitting at a table in the corner, nursing a cup of coffee and picking at a muffin. I walk towards her smiling and take in her outfit. I admit it, I'm hard instantly just looking at her. Give me a break, I may not act like it most of the time, but I am a teenage boy. She is wearing black pants that look painted on, combat boots; a tank top cut low to show her ravens, and it's topped off with a black hoodie. Tris's hair is in a tousled bun and her eyeliner is a bit smudgy giving that just woke up sexy effect.

Tris looks up and smiles at me, beckoning me to sit with her. It's early so I figure it won't be a problem. I look at her perplexed "what on earth are you doing awake at this hour?" She laughs adorably "I found out Al does in fact have a use, he is a really good alarm clock." I look at her puzzled and she explains quietly "he is really homesick, was practically crying all night, but his sobbing actually got louder early this morning and I gave up on sleeping. I now get why people get up this early; I have never accomplished this much before class, ever. I am dressed, my hair is done, I have on makeup, and I got coffee that I didn't have to drink running to school. Breakfast is just a bonus. Now if only I didn't have to wake up so early to achieve these things, I'm not sure it's worth it. Plus the running while drinking coffee has greatly improved my hand eye coordination over the years."

For someone claiming to still be mostly asleep, Tris is adorably chatty this morning. I think it's just the fact that it is the first time we have begun our day together in years. Stupidly not helping my hardened state, I start to picture Tris without clothes on and inform her "well the clothes aren't really necessary, I like the hair and makeup though. I'm sure the coffee isn't optional but breakfast can be skipped too. So there's your solution if you want more sleep, just skip the clothes and breakfast."

Tris blushes adorably and smacks me hard on my stomach. Her fingers linger a bit, just lightly running over my abs through my shirt. I groan and glance at the clock wondering if there is time to pull her somewhere private. Damn, despite the fact that Tris is running early for her, there is still no time. The other initiates are beginning to trickle in for breakfast, and training starts in 20 minutes. I still have to set up the room and people would definitely notice if Tris was missing. That Al guy seems to be watching her way too closely for my liking. We will need to be really careful to keep up appearances.

Tris

Four gets up and says goodbye, claiming he needs to go set up the training room. I pretend not to notice the slight tent in his jeans and snicker, wondering if he will go take care of that first. I wish I could go help him, or at least watch. Darn it, now I'm all hot and bothered too! Christina, Will, and Al sit down next to me. Christina looks at me with a smirk, noticing my slight blush and Four's retreating form. "I was wondering where you got to so early. I'm so proud of you, matching clothes and makeup; I am such a good influence on you." Christina says this smugly with a hint of a laugh in her voice. I notice Al is checking me out from head to toe, "you look different Tris, very hot, I approve." God Al's comment and roving eyes make my skin crawl. I once again hope that he will be scared off later when he realizes I'm not some weak girly girl.

When I notice everyone seems to be finished eating, I suggest leaving so we won't be late. Class starts promptly at 8 and Lauren has already warned me that she and Four like to creatively punish late comers. We walk in to the training room and I notice targets on the walls and knives on a table. Yes, we are throwing knives today. I love throwing knives. I am practically jumping up and down with glee.

Tobias

Tris and her friends walk in first and I notice how excited she is. How could I have forgotten how much Tris likes throwing knives? It's not exactly the most useful Dauntless skill but guns do run out of bullets sometimes and any weapon is better than no weapon. Everyone is on time, damn, no fun punishments today. I look over at Lauren and see a matching look of disappointment on her face. I clear my throat loudly and talk in my most intimidating instructor Four voice, "today we will be learning to throw knives. Every skill we teach you is important and you never know when this one will come in handy. So pay attention, I will only demonstrate once."

I stand in front of one of the targets and grab 1 knife in my right hand and 2 in my left. I focus and throw them 1 after the other, slowing down my motions a bit so the initiates can get the idea. Every knife hits the center and they all stand there staring. I scream "what are you staring at, get started, we don't have all day."

I walk around watching everyone's pathetic first attempts at throwing. My attention is inevitably drawn to Tris. She hasn't thrown a knife yet. She appears to be weighing the knife in her hand and practicing the motions, making sure her body still remembers what it's doing.

Peter is watching Tris from the space to her right, he sneers "what the fuck are you doing stiff? We are supposed to the throw the knives, not just hold them in our hands and pretend." Tris gets this really determined look on her face, picks up 2 knives in her left hand and 1 in her right. Mimicking me, she throws them 1 after the other. But unlike me she doesn't do it slowly. The knives leave her hands so fast they are a blur and all 3 are now stuck in the middle of her target. She laughs calling back to Peter "you may be throwing your knives but they are supposed to hit the target. You know that thing that all of mine are now stuck to the center of." I can't help but smile, I am so proud of my girl. I see Lauren walk up to her and wonder what she is doing.

Tris

I'm still laughing happily when Lauren walks up to me. "Congrats on the great throws. I wonder if you just know how to hit the center or can you hit anything you aim at? If you want a bit of a challenge I have a new task for you. I'm going to hang up a blank sheet, and get you some paint. Dip the knife tips in the paint and throw them to leave a mark. Write a message, legibly, I don't care what it says. Sound good to you?"

I have never done anything like this before but it's not like I can't hit what I aim for. Tobias and I didn't have targets to aim at when we learned so we just picked random marks and stains on the walls to throw at. I stare at the new paper and dip the knives one at a time, aiming and throwing carefully. It's actually working, 10 minutes later I have a few letters of my message written.

Peter looks at me furiously "what the fuck is the stiff doing now?" He seemed to be asking this rhetorically but Lauren walks up to him and answers anyway "I gave her a different goal since Tris is actually good at knife throwing, unlike you. Pay attention to your own target and stop watching Tris, or I will make you stand in front of the board and let her throw knives at you as her next challenge. She doesn't like you very much, so her aim might just be a bit off." Lauren walks off laughing evilly, I love that girl.

Tobias

I'm not sure how much time has passed but I have barely paid attention to anyone but Tris. It's just so fascinating watching a message slowly form on her paper. Not to mention her ass looks phenomenal in those pants and she has shed her hoodie, so her arms flex sexily every time she throws. I walk around and watch everyone's progress but my attention is grabbed back when Tris laughs loudly, doing a happy dance. God she is so cute. The message is complete, **I AM SLEEPY**, is spelled clearly on her paper. She looks at me with puppy dog eyes and a pouty lip, yawns, and asks "is it nap time yet?"

Class has only been going for about 2 hours but I can't ignore her pleading, not to mention the others are actually getting worse as their muscles get tired. "class dismissed, be back here for gun training at 4. We will alternate these 2 target practices with hand to hand fighting days. Tomorrow you get to beat each other to a pulp, and later today you get to shoot a gun. Is anyone else as excited as I am?"

Tris

Tobias walks by and brushes his hand over my discarded sweatshirt. He makes brief eye contact to be sure I notice the note he slipped into the pocket. My friends are crowding around me, talking over each other, all eager for the same answer, where did I learn to throw a knife like that? I smile widely while replying, "I stole a throwing knife from a Dauntless kid when I was about 14. Practiced almost every day, it was really selfish of me but I loved doing it. Even once I was good enough for Dauntless initiation I still kept doing it, too much fun to stop."

I lag behind a bit to glance at the note in my pocket. It looks like my day just keeps improving. I smile happily and tell my friends I am going to go find someplace quiet to take a nap.

-T

Meet me at my apartment. It will be more

quiet to nap in, plus the dorms

don't have me to cuddle with. See you soon

-T


	4. gun control means hitting your target

**So anyone who did the math from the last chapter will realize that Tris and Tobias have about 6 hours for their "nap." Even taking time to and from the apartment into account, that's still a little over 5 hours. The point is no one needs that long to nap, so yes this chapter will have some dirty bits cut out, check out my a03 page for the full content (if you are of age of course). I'm trying to cut stuff from the appropriate places to keep to the teen rating but to be honest I have a hard time deciding what is or isn't appropriate for teens. Neither of my parents were very strict so they didn't pay much attention to my reading material. Hell I used to read my mom's harlequin romance novels in elementary school when I was out of books between library visits. So if I leave in something that in your opinion isn't teen rated please let me know so I can cut it. **

Gun control means being able to hit your target

Tobias

I arrive back at my apartment to wait for Tris, god I hope she doesn't want to nap right away. My arousal from breakfast has been plaguing me all morning and I really need to do something about it. I hear a knock at the door and smile, finally. I pull Tris in quickly and hug her to me while closing and locking the door. "So you wanted a nap right? There is time for a long one, or we could," she cuts me off mid-sentence and presses me against the door. Her lips smash into mine and the thoughts of a nap that I didn't really want anyway leave my mind.

She wraps her arms around my neck, tangling her fingers in the short tufts of my hair, holding me as close as she can. Her tongue darts out, running along the length of my bottom lip, and I fight the urge to groan. I force myself not to beg for more.

Later we lie down on the bed and I pull Tris towards me, letting her wrap herself around my side and over my chest. She purrs sleepily "nap time now, right? Will you set an alarm so we don't over sleep?" I run my fingers through her hair while setting the alarm, cuddle her close and follow her to sleep.

Tris

I hurry back to the dorms and follow my friends to gun training; repeating Tobias' advice to myself so I don't forget. He told me to picture someone I hate, a person I would truly love to kill, in place of the target and shoot at them. He also advised me to plant my feet firmly, aim carefully and don't fight the kick back, just absorb it while following the motion through.

This all seems easier said than done and I hope I don't disappoint him by sucking. Four is suddenly in front of us giving instructions "In Dauntless, gun control means being able to hit your target. The basic idea is simple, hold your gun, aim, and pull the trigger." He gives a quick demonstration which I pay rapt attention to. Four loads his bullets, aims the gun and fires rapidly at a target, half the shots go through the same hole in the head and the other half go through the heart, also in the same location. "You may begin, and pay attention, that's a dangerous weapon in your hands."

I picture Marcus Eaton in place of my blank target. This is the man who beat my best friend black and blue for years; who killed a part of him that I fear will never come back. I remember rubbing antibiotic paste over Tobias's body every day, carefully cleaning the cuts and lash marks. Yes, Marcus is a man I would love to have the pleasure of killing.

I aim carefully and shoot, the first shot going through his head and try not to cringe when the gun jumps back and hits me in the jaw. I firm up my arms and fire again and again. All of my shots land in the head and heart, though I save one bullet and aim for the family jewels just for fun. "You know the lack of blood and desperate pleading kind of diminishes the fun of this a bit," I say this in a joking voice but in reality, I am kind of serious.

Tobias

I have been walking around for a while observing everyone's shooting, thank god no one is too bad. They are all hitting their targets, even if some aren't hitting anywhere vital. I hear Tris' comment and can't help but laugh and reply "yes, I agree, shooting paper is kind of boring. I'm impressed stiff, you are a good shot, I especially like the cheap shot to the balls."

I watch her and the others reload and keep shooting. But I hear Christina ask her "how in the hell are you doing that? Is there like a secret or something?" Tris laughs evilly and replies "just picture someone you truly hate and would love to see dead in front of the target, works wonders." I'm unsurprised when Peter chimes in wondering aloud what he did to make Tris hate him enough to shoot off his privates. She shrugs dismissively when she replies "wow Peter you are full of yourself. You can't possibly imagine that you are that important? You're merely an annoyance; the person I am picturing in place of my target truly deserves to die."

The initiates spend about 2 hours shooting, I can tell they are getting tired and I am getting really bored. "Finish off the ammo in your guns, and then you are free to go. Be back tomorrow for hand to hand at 8 sharp." I watch Tris head off with her friends all of them chattering excitedly about how much fun shooting is. It's dinner time, I hope there is cake, I would really love some Dauntless cake. I would love it even more if I could eat it off of Tris' sexy body. But that's a thought for another day. Or at least a fantasy to save until I am alone in bed tonight.


	5. a kiss with a fist is better than none

**Everything belongs to Veronica Roth. The chapter title is from Florence and the Machine's song Kiss with a Fist. I quoted directly from the book, it's in italics, again I repeat, not mine. **

A kiss with a fist is better than none

Tobias

I'm startled out of my thoughts about hand to hand pairings when Tris storms into the room looking like she plans to murder someone. The common sense part of my brain tells me now is not the time to tell her how cute she looks when she's angry. She walks right up to me and hisses "I want Peter, pair us so I can kill him."

I'm overcome with curiosity but decide to keep the questions to myself. Talking often calms her down and Tris always fights more fiercely when she is angry, not that she isn't already better than most of the initiates. She knocked Molly and Myra out cold on the first day; they both underestimated her, stupid girls. Day 1 was predictable and agonizingly boring. Al managed to beat Edward but then allowed Christina to knock him out. I truly don't know what that pansy cake is even doing here. If you can't win a fight without being squeamish about the damage, why would you pick a faction known for fighting? Unsurprisingly, Peter took down Drew and then Will without breaking a sweat.

Tris begged me not to make her fight Al or Christina, a request I have no problem following. Pairing her and Peter makes sense though, I might have even picked the pairing myself if I wasn't so busy being an overprotective boyfriend. I feel a tiny bit bad for Peter; I should know, hell hath no fury like an angry Tris. I smirk in secret glee the moment Peter sees the pairings on the board. Their fight is up first. Tris is glaring at him and if looks could kill we would be planning a funeral. Peter is still laughing at her as he steps into the ring, taunting her until she follows. Tris may look like an angry kitten but Peter obviously doesn't realize that looks are deceiving. Standing in front of him is one hungry pissed off tiger and she is going to swallow him whole.

The fight begins predictably enough, Peter, depending on his size and brute strength comes at Tris hard. She is light on her feet, moving around him, avoiding his punches and kicks. This goes on for a while, with Tris giggling in delight the whole time at Peter's inability to lay a finger on her. I sense more than see the moment his concentration is overtaken by anger, making him clumsy. Taking advantage of Peter's distraction, Tris knees him in the crotch, messing with his balance. She sweeps his feet out from under him, and rides him down hard, grinding her knee in his groin again with all her weight. Peter screams like a girl, and before he can get Tris off him, she follows with an elbow to his throat. Well thank god that horrible screaming is over. Peter is out for the count and Tris is victorious again.

I watch the rest of the fights with casual disinterest, sending people to the infirmary as they need it. Just because I'm bored and have better things to do doesn't mean I should punish the initiates. I'm absurdly grateful when Lauren reaches her boredom threshold and calls a halt to the action. She smirks evilly and informs the group "that concludes stage 1 of initiation, the scores will be combined with the other group and posted in 2 days, consider it a weekend of sorts but be prepared just in case we decide to have a final test. Bottom 4 are out, and don't forget to spread the word to your fellow initiates in the infirmary. It's impossible to prepare for stage 2, so from here on out you will be combined with the Dauntless born initiates. Good luck, and consider sleeping with one eye open."

Tris

I'm still wide awake in the dorms when I hear footsteps coming my way. I hop up fully dressed, expecting this to be the "surprise" game of capture the flag I have heard vague whispers about. I see Tobias signal for me to be quiet and follow him. My curiosity piqued, I slip on shoes and follow him. We walk quickly through Dauntless headquarters. I just keep following, not speaking, figuring now is not the time to ask where we are going.

When we catch the train, I decide it's the perfect opportunity to find out what is going on. "You didn't wake up the rest of the dorm, so I know we aren't playing capture the flag. What's going on, where are we going?" Tobias looks really scared, like trembling limbs, and sweating palms terrified when he explains "it's a Dauntless initiation, they almost never invite transfers to do this until after the top 10 are selected. When I heard Zeke saying a few of them were going tonight I decided to bring you. We will ride together, I know you will love this, and having you in my arms will make it less scary. You know all the power lines that run through the city? Well Dauntless members use them for zip lining." To say I'm stunned is an understatement. I know how terrified Tobias is of heights, so the fact that he is planning to join me makes a warm and squishy feeling spread through my body. Love, this is what love feels like. I smile brightly and whisper "I love you Tobias Eaton."

We jump off the train and meet up with the others in front of the Hancock building. I recognize Uriah, Zeke's brother and his girlfriend Marlene. There is another girl whose name is Lynn, I think. She hangs out with Uriah and Marlene. There are a few other initiates I know by face but not name. Zeke, Shauna, and Lauren are there as well. One of the initiates I don't know exclaims angrily "what the fuck is the stiff doing here? This is Dauntless only, who invited her?" I reel back in surprise; I don't even know this girl, so why is she being so mean to me? I get that warm squishy feeling again when Tobias replies, "I invited her, and considering she is currently ranked higher than you, I would be a bit more careful about whom you are calling not Dauntless."

Uriah speaks up next "Tris, I heard you beat the crap out of Peter, he is still in the infirmary having his twig and giggle berries put to rights. You might have ended his family line, doing the world a great service in the process. Don't get me wrong, victory is fun, but that was more than winning, was it revenge? What the fuck did he do to you?" I feel anger overcome me again when I think about this morning "Peter stole my clothes and towel out of the shower. I had to walk into the dorms naked to get new ones. I'm not exactly a walk in the buff kind of girl, Abnegation teachings and all that. It was cruel and unnecessary, so I taught him a lesson he will never forget." This seems to shut everyone up but I don't miss the look of fury that passes across Tobias' face. Good thing I already rearranged Peter's balls, or I think Tobias might just kill him. I'm honestly not sure he won't do it anyway.

Time passes and one by one the others are hooked in and speeding away. Only Zeke and Lauren are left with Tobias and me. "Thanks for sticking up for me Four, it means a lot. We are going next right?" We are quickly hooked in and shown how to stop at the bottom. I'm hooked under Tobias and he has his arms wrapped tight around my waist. Zeke and Lauren wait a few moments to build up the tension and then we are pushed off the roof.

The groan of metal sliding against metal is startlingly loud and the force of the wind is so intense it brings tears to my eyes. I can feel Tobias' heart racing against my back and his face is hidden in my neck. He squeezes me hard and I can tell he is not enjoying this as much as I am. This weightless sensation is exactly how I always imagined flying would view from up here is breathtaking, I can see the whole city and beyond_. _I feel pity for anyone who had to do this by themselves. It's so freaking cold up here and the wind is harsh enough to kill any noise I make. I don't even want to imagine how cold it would be if I didn't have Four wrapped around me.

I'm held secure by the straps and Tobias' firm grip, giving me the confidence to stretch out my arms and pretend that I am flying. We hurtle towards the street, and I imagine how nice it must have looked before it was cracked and surrounding a dry lake_. My heart beats so hard it hurts, and I can't scream and I c__an't breathe, but I also feel everything, every vein and every fiber, every bone and every nerve, all awake and buzzing in my body as if charged with electricity. I am pure adrenaline._

The ground is getting closer, and I can see the tiny people waving and cheering from below us_. _Tobias still has his face tucked into my neck and I wonder if he looked at all during our flight. I will let him pretend he was protecting his face from the wind and not mention it. But I can't help but feel a bit sad that he's missing the amazing view. _I look down and the ground smears beneath me, all gray and white and black, glass and pavement and steel. Tendrils of wind, soft as hair, wrap around my fingers and push my arms back. I try to pull my arms to my chest again, but I am not strong enough. The ground grows bigger and bigger. _I scream in excitement just once because I feel I have to or I might just burst.

We don't slow down for another minute or so, but we are now gliding parallel to the ground. I am so exhilarated by this experience we are sharing. All I want in this moment is to kiss him and never stop. I want to show Tobias how much this means to me, how proud I am of him for facing his fear, even if he had to cover his eyes the whole time. Having him wrapped around me when I first flew, words can't describe that closeness. We reach the bottom and he unhooks us so we can drop into the waiting arms of our fellow Dauntless. It is in this instant that I finally feel that I am really one of them. I laugh in absolute joy and ask "can we do that again?" Tobias looks pained and replies "you can do it as often as you like, but that was a onetime deal for me. I had to prove to myself that I could do it."


	6. Candor or Dauntless?

**I got the title from somewhere, but I truly can't remember who referred to truth or dare as Candor or Dauntless. Thank you, mystery author, and if anyone knows who it was, please tell me so I can give them credit. So I realized that in all my years of reading fan fiction I never remember to leave reviews or kudos. I download everything to my iPad in epub and read it that way. But that's no excuse for not taking a few minutes to go back and leave something. I have a few hundred fan fictions saved on my iPad, I'm planning to go back through all my saved stories (the ones I read again and again), and leave reviews, favorites and kudos. You can't expect others to do something if you don't, and if the way I check my email obsessively for new reviews, favorites and follows is how others behave as well, I want to set a good example. So on that note please, please r&r. Oh and the moth thing, it actually happened to my fiancé, funniest fucking thing I ever saw. Also a warning for a same sex kiss, it's a dare and short so don't worry this story isn't becoming slash or anything. The main characters get more truth or dares in this chapter. I try to acknowledge that there are nameless Dauntless borns playing the game but really who cares about them when we don't even know who they are. **

Candor or Dauntless (otherwise know, as truth or dare)

Tobias

When we walk into the dorms late at night I am unsurprised to see Tris, Christina, and Will awake and dressed. They know what the plan for tonight is. Lauren and I bang on some metal pipes to wake up the rest of the dorm. The 6 others jerk awake and most fall out of their beds in surprise. I hear Tris whisper to Christina and Will "guys, we forgot to tell Al. He is never going to forgive us for knowing and not warning him." I laugh at her remorseful tone and address the group. "As some of you obviously know, capture the flag is a tradition that takes place before the first stage of initiation is truly over, for those of you who weren't aware, you have 2 minutes to dress and follow us to meet the other group."

We meet up with Zeke and Shauna's group outside one of the Dauntless lounges and enter together. The Dauntless born initiates look wide awake and fully clothed, unlike our group who are mostly disheveled and clearly sleepy. Lauren turns to address the group as a whole "tonight we would usually play capture the flag. But seeing as it is snowing outside, those of us who have done this before have no desire to traipse about in the cold watching you all do exactly what those before you have done. We decided as a group to play a different game instead. Here we call it Candor or Dauntless; most of you know it as truth or dare."

I watch surprise and nervous excitement cross the faces of all our initiates. I continue where Lauren left off "we will be playing by standard Dauntless rules, if you don't want to answer a question you may remove an item of clothing instead, until you run out of course. If you don't want to perform a dare, you may take a shot. Any question may only be asked of a person once, so no repeating it till they run out of clothes, but a good question can be used on more than one person. Sound simple enough, are there any questions? No, good, let us begin. Everyone grab a shot glass, some alcohol you like and take a seat somewhere."

Tris grabs a bottle of vodka and a shot glass curling up cat like in an arm chair right next to mine. Shauna raises her hand "I will start us off, Four truth or dare?" I decide starting with truth seems easier than any sadistic dare Shauna can come up with "truth, though remember Shauna we are here to get to know the initiates not torture each other." She looks smug when she asks my first question; though I'm sure I already know what it will be "Four, what is your real name?" Yes, I was right, not an original bone in her body, I remove my sweatshirt and toss it by my chair "you knew I wouldn't answer that, why did you even bother?" she laughs when replying "maybe I just want to get you naked faster."

I look carefully around the room before I choose my victim, "Christina, truth or dare." She smiles and replies "Candor, I have to pay tribute to my old faction after all." I think hard and decide on a simple question, it might even help her later in the simulations, "what is your greatest fear and why?" She looks embarrassed for a second before replying "moths, I really hate moths. When I was a kid playing in the park, a damn moth flew into my ear. I could actually feel its wings fluttering; my mom had to get it out with tweezers. I'm still traumatized." A few people laugh but most just imagine how gross it would feel to have a moth moving in your ear, the fear is perfectly understandable. I look forward to watching that one in the simulations; it should be funny to see what form it takes.

Christina chooses without thought, obviously she already knew who she wanted "Tris, truth or dare." Tris seems to think for a moment, weighing her options. She is tiny so I bet she doesn't want to be the first to consume any alcohol, but she is wearing enough clothing for a truth. I warned Tris about the change of plans knowing how uncomfortable she is with her body. I can see that she look my suggestion to heart, a grey tank top is layered under a long sleeve black shirt, it's topped with a grey and black striped hoodie and also a structured black jacket. She is wearing a black scarf as well as a few bracelets. Her dark jeans are loose and holey, revealing a pair of light grey tights underneath. She is wearing combat boots and I'm sure there are socks underneath to pad her feet. That she's wearing underwear and a bra too isn't even a question. Making up her mind she replies "I will take truth, I guess."

Cristina smiles and I am sure that was the answer she wanted. "Tris, when we were learning to shoot guns, you told me to picture someone I hate in front of my target. Who did you see in front of yours?" Tris chews her lip thoughtfully; I can tell she is debating whether or not to answer. "Marcus Eaton was my target, I hate that man." Christina looks startled for a moment "oh my god, isn't he like a major leader in Abnegation. What did he do, please tell me he didn't touch you or anything, because I will get some people together to kill him if he did." I feel Zeke and Lauren looking at me in sympathy when Tris replies "no he has never laid a hand on me, but that's all I am saying, my issues with him are private."

Tris cuts off that line of questioning and looks at Peter with murderous glee "Peter, truth or dare?" I wonder which one she is hoping for, though really she can do damage with either option. Peter arrogantly answers "dare of course, I am Dauntless after all." She smiles smugly, and debates for a bit "Peter I dare you to kiss Edward for 2 minutes. I'm talking a real kiss, with tongue, oh and straddle his lap while you do it." Peter looks furious but walks to Edward plopping on to his lap gracelessly, "sorry about this man." It's like a horrific accident, you truly don't want to watch, but your eyes won't move away. Peter kisses the same way he does everything, aggressively. Their tongues duel fiercely and I'm fairly sure I see Peter grind his hips into Edward. Tris calls time and Peter hops up to return to his chair. "you are a good kisser Edward; if it weren't for your dick I might have even enjoyed that." Its obvious Peter is trying to casually down play what just happened.

Peter glances around the room, "well as much as I would like to return the favor for that Tris, I will pick someone else and come back to you later. He points to Uriah, "whatever your name is truth or dare?" Uriah replies without hesitation "dare man, I fucking hate spilling my secrets in front of people." Peter's answer is quick and definitely created in the brain of a teenage boy "I dare you to put peanut butter on 1 armpit, jelly on the other, wipe it off with bread and eat the sandwich." Uriah laughs "I will give you a few points for grossness; thank god I have showered recently." I must admit, watching my best friend's little brother smearing food under his arms and eating it is pretty funny. "that was fantastic, thanks man, I was starving." Only Uriah wouldn't care that the filling of his sandwich was preciously in his arm pits.

Uriah considers his options before choosing his big brother "truth or dare Zeke?" I laugh and wonder how bad this is going to be. Their sibling rivalry is bound to be entertaining if nothing else. Zeke doesn't hesitate to reply "dare, it's always dare with me, no fucking pansy cake truths for this Dauntless." The look on Uriah's face is a bit frightening, especially when he glances at me as well. "bro, I dare you to give Four a lap dance, and you better make it good." I knew that kid was evil. Zeke motions for me to take a seat in a chair he puts in the center of the room. I hear the song start, recognizing it, I realize Zeke picked it because it is really short. Zeke starts to dance and I can now feel parts of my best friend's body that I never ever wanted to feel, especially not when they are writhing against me. If this were any girl in the room it might be enjoyable, ok not any, but you get my point. I'm trying hard to ignore Zeke and his dancing, when thankfully it ends. We both rush back to our seats, not looking at each other. Tris leans over and whispers "that was kind of hot." She giggles when I reply "pervert."

Meanwhile Zeke has picked his prey "Al truth or dare?" He picks dare, probably trying to earn a few last minute bravery points. I'm not sure he realizes telling the truth to deeply personal questions is just as brave as doing a dare, maybe more so. Zeke looks overjoyed with his choice "Al, I dare you to kiss the person you have a crush on. Better make it good, they might even give you a chance if you do." I guess I forgot to tell Zeke about Al's crush on Tris, can't blame him really, it's a common dare and my own damn fault. Al blushes and walks up to Tris, stopping in front of her chair. He asks her to stand up and she does reluctantly. I guess he finds a grain of courage from somewhere because he goes for it, kissing Tris with reckless abandon. He notices pretty quickly though that she is stiff in his arms and not kissing back. He blushes and stammers an apology, returning to his seat looking defeated.

He is still looking at his lap and blushing when he addresses Will "truth or dare?" Will ponders his options and seems to come to the conclusion that Al is unlikely to come up with a truly humiliating truth and picks that. Al looks thoughtful and glances at Christina "Will, in your opinion is it ever ok to cheat on your girlfriend?" He looks startled by the question but replies quickly, "it's never ok to cheat on your girlfriend. Well maybe if someone has a gun to your head but in the normal everyday world, no, there is not any reason that makes it ok." Christina looks pleased by this answer, I'm happy for her.

Will looks around and his gaze lands on Tris. I guess we are repeating people already, though not everybody has had a turn. It's not against the rules or anything though, so I don't comment. "Tris truth or dare?" I hear a few people make noises of protest at the repeat but Tris ignores them and replies with a grin "dare, and make it good Will, no immature gross boy dares, like eating something out of the garbage." Will looks amused when he replies "thanks for the idea but I won't do that to you. I want you to spend the rest of the game sitting in Four's lap; you can only get up if one of you needs to move for a dare or to go to the restroom." Her eyes light up a bit and she turns to me asking if it's ok. I nod and pull her onto my lap getting us both comfortable. I sigh softly and whisper in her ear "I like this dare, but try not to wiggle around too much; you are sitting in easily excitable territory."

Tris looks around again and seems to come to a decision, "Lauren, truth or dare?" She is obviously excited to be picked, Lauren loves this game after all, "dare, and make it good Tris." She thinks about it for a few minutes before grinning evilly "Lauren I dare you to repeat what you said the last time you came. Say it word for word, exactly how you said it when it happened." Lauren laughs, "good one Tris, ok here goes." Lauren scrunches up her face in pleasure and moans, "Oh god Zeke, yes, harder, I'm gonna come. Please don't stop, oh god yes, fuck that was amazing. Was that right Zeke?" He laughs and replies "close enough baby."

Lauren turns to Shauna and asks "truth or dare?" Shauna looks at her bottle of alcohol contemplating a drink then replies "dare, I will take a dare." Lauren looks stumped for a minute, obviously she wanted truth, "I dare you to go into the pit and hug a random person, not letting go for a full minute." Shauna looks amused and replies "sweetie that dare is so lame I am going to take a drink just because I want one."

Tris

The game continues around me for a while and I am warm and comfortable in Tobias' lap. I stop paying attention when the questions and dares bounce back and forth between the Dauntless borns that I don't know. Clothes are shed and shots are consumed in abundance. Some of their dares and questions are so vulgar I can't blame them for skipping out. My attention is caught again when someone asks Four if he wants truth or dare.

He laughs and replies "I'm taking a truth, that glint in your eye is damn scary." They don't look too disappointed "have you ever climaxed fully clothed?" Tobias contemplates this for a minute and replies "no I haven't, but if Tris doesn't stop wiggling around in my lap, I might just have a new answer to that soon." I blush furiously and smack him on the head lightly.

Tobias' gaze lands on Marlene "truth or dare?" She doesn't hesitate for a second to pick dare, "I dare you to remove Al's pants without using your hands and keep them." I'm sure he is doing this to embarrass Al for kissing me and Marlene seems like one of those people who will do just about anything without shame. Just like I predicted she gets up without hesitating and kneels before Al. Marlene uses her teeth to unbutton his jeans and slowly pull the zipper down. She grasps the waist in her mouth and drags his jeans down to the ground where he can step out of them. Marlene returns to her seat holding the jeans up like a prize. Al is blushing furiously, probably due to the fact that his boxers are old and ugly. I wonder if Tobias noticed that fact before Al dressed earlier and picked that dare especially for him.

Marlene turns her attention to me and asks "so Tris, truth or dare?" I consider the options; I'm still fully clothed and haven't had to drink anything, though just to be safe I pick truth. "how far have you gone sex wise?" She smiles triumphantly thinking she has come up with a question to force me to give up some clothing or at least embarrass myself. "I have done everything except have full intercourse." I state this unabashedly and hope we can move on quickly, but no such luck. "like everything, everything? Blow jobs, hand jobs, getting eaten out, the whole enchilada?" I huff in frustration "what part of everything but don't you get? Yes I have done all that stuff." I can tell everyone in the room is surprised by my admission. Who knew the stiff wasn't quite so stiff after all.

The game keeps going but I am now being bombarded with lewd questions and vulgar dares every other turn. I'm down to only my jeans, tank top, and tights. I have avoided so many personal questions it's not even funny anymore. Who are you dating, what's his name, why haven't you guys done it, describe a blow job in detail, what faction is he from, what faction is he now, when was the last time you were together? The questions are all creative variations running along the same line. I'm also about 5 shots in and heading towards drunk. I refuse to give anyone in the room a blow job, act out sexual activities with a volunteer assistant, or do any other lewd acts they can think up. I really hope someone else manages to get the groups attention soon. I should have just removed my jacket.

The game goes on around me for a bit and thank god I seem to be forgotten. More clothes are lost and a ton of alcohol is consumed. I notice one of the random people I don't know look at me, here we go again. "I will take truth, should I just remove my jeans now?" The boy looks at me sympathetically and surprises me by asking "is there anyone in your life you would take a bullet for?" Finally a question I'm willing to answer, "I would die for my best friend, and yes this is the same person who I wouldn't name earlier. And before anyone gets any weird ideas, no, I'm not talking about Christina. I'm dating my best guy friend. If I had to, I would take a million bullets to keep him alive."

I look back at Tobias with a smirk "truth or dare Four?" he looks thoughtful and seems to decide he doesn't want me to move from his lap and picks truth. "have you ever gone commando for the whole day?" His sudden bark of laughter shakes me a bit "yes I have, 2 weeks ago. I was really busy and had not gotten around to the laundry. It turns out I own more pants than boxers so I went without." I wiggle a bit in his lap to communicate how hot I find the idea.

Tobias turns to Zeke with a truly evil glint in his eyes, "Zeke you want a dare right?" He pauses to make sure he hasn't changed his mind, "I dare you to switch clothes with Lauren, what you guys have left anyway." Zeke has plenty of clothes on, but Lauren is only wearing a Black lace Bra and matching thong. Tobias' starts laughing in amusement when they leave the room to switch clothing. A few moments later they return, Lauren in jeans, a t-shirt and socks, but Zeke is wearing only her lacy lingerie. I hope someone has a camera.

I am in a drowsy, drunken stupor, no longer paying a bit of attention to the game. All I really want at this point is to go to sleep. Finally one of the nameless players passes out cold mid dare; this seems to be the cue to end the game. Tobias pats my hip and we get up "ok everyone, let's call it a night, we will escort you back to the dorms, I hope everyone had fun. Don't forget to put your clothes back on." I stumble back to the dorms drunkenly with Tobias hovering near, to catch me if I fall but trying not to be too obvious about it. I collapse on my bed fully clothed and fall asleep instantly.


	7. Nothing to fear but fear itself

**I kept my promise from the last chapter and actually spent several hours reviewing, and sending kudos and favorites to authors and stories that I love. Follow my good example, please read & review. Warning for mentions of rape, it doesn't happen so don't worry but I'm mentioning it just to be safe.**

Nothing to fear but fear itself

Tris

Christina and I are sitting in the dorms relaxing; we decided that a break is well deserved. Rankings for the first stage were posted yesterday. I came in first, with Christina and Will falling somewhere in the middle. Drew, Molly and 2 Dauntless born initiates are gone. "I honestly can't believe Al made it through, I expected him to be eliminated. Have you noticed that since the rankings were posted he has been looking at me a bit funny? He's also hanging out with Peter, which worries me. Do you think they are up to something?"

Christina looks thoughtful "nothing good can come of those 2 hanging out. But he must be having a hard time being around you now that he realizes he has no chance. I would definitely watch my back though, just in case. Something has changed about the way he looks at you, it's less puppy dog and more obsessed stalker." I feel a shiver go down my spine, that's just what I need, an obsessed stalker and Peter conspiring against me.

I wake up suddenly as I'm yanked to my feet; I'm already gagged, blindfolded, and bound tightly. I feel 2 sets of hands on me and realize my mistake. I thought Peter and Al would attack in the open, not tie me up while I'm sleeping. God, what are they doing? I just need to stay calm, there has to be a way out of this. I struggle all the way to wherever they are taking me, not managing to loosen the rope at all; one of them must know how to tie knots. I slow my breathing and try to focus, I hear the rush of water, and realize we must be near the chasm. Are they planning to throw me off or just trying to scare me?

Over the sound of water I hear Peter giving Al instructions, I know the second person is Al, I can smell his cologne. "Take off her blindfold and hold her over the railing, we just want to scare her a bit. I want her gone; she just needs to be properly motivated to leave. You do that for me and you can have her, I will leave her with you all tied up like the perfect Christmas present."

I cannot believe this is happening just because I came in first. They aren't even the final numbers for gods sake. I quickly realize the only way I'm getting out of this is if I can get someone's attention, but I am gagged, so I need to make Al and Peter give themselves away. Now that my blindfold is off I can see them both, and when Al comes in close to pick me up I knee him in the groin. Unoriginal yes, but it has the desired effect, he screams loudly, distracting Peter. I stomp on his foot, getting him to scream as well. I hope that attracted someone's attention. I don't think out running them is an option but I decide to give it a try anyway. I don't get far before I am tackled down by Al. "You stupid bitch, that hurt. I don't know why you don't realize we belong together. I love you, and I'm going to have you. Then you will fall in love with me and we can be together forever. Your boyfriend can't make you happy, only I can, you need to see that"

Tobias

I'm sitting on a rock at the bottom of the chasm, I just needed some quiet time to think and be alone. Suddenly I hear a load scream echo off the rock walls, followed by another. When I look up I see 3 people struggling, damn it, this always happens after rankings, people try to scare or kill off the competition. God, Tris is in first right now, what if that's her up there? I take off running, trying to reach the top before anything bad happens. I arrive at the tail end of Al's speech, and instantly see red. Al has Tris on the ground under him, and he's trying to remove her clothes. That isn't happening, Tris is mine, she has always been mine. I think I black out after that, because when I'm aware again, Al is covered in blood, Tris is untied, and Zeke has my arms held behind my back. "Shit, I did that right?" I nod towards a broken Al, asking the question I already know the answer to. Zeke looks at me, not with sympathy but understanding "ya man you did, but don't worry about it, I would have done the same if it had been Lauren. She is headed to the infirmary to fetch a doctor by the way, so if you and Tris want to leave and pretend this didn't happen now would be the time." I want to crucify the bastards but I look at Tris for her opinion.

"Let's go, I don't want you to get in any trouble and I don't want looks of sympathy for something that only almost happened. Peter saw enough to be scared of you, he won't say anything, and god knows Al won't be stupid enough to admit to attempted rape. This stays between us, ok? I don't want it mentioned ever again." I'm not happy but it's Tris's decision. It would be a shame to ruin her tough as nails reputation. It's not her fault they got her when she was asleep. But she's right; this would get her looks of pity and china doll treatment, not what you need in the middle of initiation.

We walk away quickly, heading towards my apartment. Tris looks like she is thinking hard before she finally speaks "I know you want to report this but I just can't. It may not have been my fault; I was ambushed while sleeping for goodness sake. But I will still come out looking weak if word gets around." I grab Tris's hand and squeeze it reassuringly "god this sucks but it's true. This is the wrong time for you to look even a little bit vulnerable. I will talk to Peter and make it clear that tonight never happened, and I will have the same conversation with Al when he wakes up. Please stay with me tonight, I just want to hold you, feel for myself that you are ok." Tris gives me a sleepy smile "that sounds nice. But if you want me to stay, you need to go hide a note from me under Christina's pillow so she won't worry. We both noticed something was off with those 2, we didn't expect anything like this though. She will panic if she wakes up and I'm gone." I kiss Tris on the nose and tuck her in. When I return from delivering the note she is snoring quietly. I climb into bed, pull her close, and am fast asleep within minutes.

I'm in a decidedly bad mood this morning and today's activities are not helping one bit. I hate this part of initiation. Watching other people hallucinate their fears is almost as bad as facing your own. Though some of them are really funny, this provides a break in the tension, at least for me. Christina walks in and I hope she is going to be that reprieve I need. I have just watched 2 girls in a row getting brutally raped and after last night, I really don't think I can watch another, at least not while retaining my sanity. If the universe has any mercy, we will visit the moths. I laugh a bit just imagining it.

Christina scowls and plops down in the chair "I know you are picturing moths, and if you weren't Tris' boyfriend I would punch you. Hell I might do it anyway, I'm sure she'd understand." I laugh again and inject her with the serum, while strapping the wires into place. Here we go... I'm so freaking happy to realize I have gotten my wish. We are in a park and Christina is surrounded by moths, there must be thousands of them. I know I shouldn't laugh since she is genuinely scared but I just can't help it; Christina just looks so freaking ridiculous doing battle with a swarm of moths. Soon though her crazy arm movements cease and she curls in a ball, breathing slowly trying to relax. I'm impressed, she figured it out pretty quickly, most people panic for a lot longer. "That was good for a first attempt. Can you send Peter in? Thanks for the comic relief by the way." She flips me the bird and walks out grinning.

Peter walks in looking terrified, which is deeply satisfying, this should be easy. "I'm going to make this simple for you. Last night never happened. I heard this morning that Al is in a coma and unlikely to wake up. No one knows how it happened because that area of the chasm has no cameras. If you keep your mouth shut, so will we. You are a coward, and pathetic for being afraid to lose to a girl. I hope you realize how damn lucky you are that Tris is so stubborn. She refuses to be seen as weak so you get off easy, but know this; you are the one who is weak. Ganging up on someone and restraining them in their sleep, that's not Dauntless, that's spineless."

Peter appears to take this all in for a while before responding "you are absolutely right Four. Last night went too damn far, and I need to rein my temper in. I just can't lose my place, I don't want my parents to ever be able to get near me again, Dauntless is the only faction that's safe. You are Tris's boyfriend right? That reaction last night seems a little strong if you aren't. So, if I'm right, that means you are Tobias Eaton, the only other Abnegation transfer to Dauntless. I assume the articles Jeanine published about your dad are true, meaning you understand my situation. I was desperate when I came in so low in the first rankings, and Tris just seemed a logical target. She has a home to return to, her parents wouldn't leave her on the streets." I look at Peter in horror taking in what he said, I need to think for a minute so I send him into his simulation and tell him we will talk after.

Coming out of his simulation is a relief, it was just like one of mine and I no longer doubt his sincerity. "You are right, I am Tobias Eaton and Jeanine's articles are all true, unfortunately. I understand your panic because it was the same for me, but despite being desperate to stay, I never did anything like what you tried to do to Tris and Al. I assume you figured last night would get rid of Al too, one way or another. Your rankings are sound, only Tris and a few Dauntless born came in ahead of you. I can assist you with the fear simulations and so can Tris if you take a new approach with her. She's way better to have as a friend than an enemy. You need to learn to channel your anger appropriately though, I can help but if you ever try anything like last night again, especially with Tris; I will make sure you become factionless."

I'm satisfied that he understands me when he responds "how do I get Tris to be my friend? She won't forgive me after last night." I smile thinking about how good Tris is deep down inside "first you apologize, and then explain your childhood. I know it's hard to talk about but she will understand. Tris was always the one to patch me up after one of my father's rages. She's also really good at staying calm, I learned that from her. Just be honest, I'm sure she will give you a second chance." Peter leaves, looking hopeful.

Tris comes in next and smiles at me, "I would love to kiss you hello but I know there are cameras in here, so I will just imagine it instead." She sits down and I inject her for the simulation. I expect us to appear in some manifestation of last night but I'm pleasantly surprised to find Tris driving a speeding car instead, until she goes off a bridge at 100 mph. The car starts sinking fast, which puzzles me; Tris has never mentioned a fear of drowning. I watch her struggle before punching a window and shattering it. The simulation breaks when she reaches the surface of the water and she gets a deep breath. Shit, that did not just happen.

The most likely explanation is that Tris is Divergent, well this complicates things. I quickly erase the data "Tris you aren't supposed to be able to manipulate the simulation like that. I just erased that session, you need to go in again and do it without changing the scenario at all. Just calmly roll down the window, and swim to the surface. Before you do that, I'm going to black out the last 6 minutes or so of video. I will make a joke in the leadership meeting tomorrow morning about us getting carried away saying hello. Our secret will be blown, but no one will question the missing time, or think to look for any missing simulation data. I will keep you safe, don't worry."

Tris has always been good at knowing when to follow directions. She goes in again without questioning me and completes it just like I told her to. "We need to talk, and not just about your ability to manipulate the simulations. I found some frightening stuff in Eric and Max's private computer files. I need you to help me figure out what to do about it. Come to my apartment tonight, no one will notice. Everyone is usually pretty out of it after their first simulation experience."

I am truly scared now, before I was just a bit concerned. Tris has always been so Dauntless, I never even considered that she might be Divergent, damn, it's going to be even harder to keep her safe now.


	8. It ends, not with a whimper but a bang

**So I would like to say right off the bat that I hate when authors answer questions from reviewers in their author notes. I received 3 from guest posters and I am going to answer them here but in the future if you have a question please sign in before asking or it will merely be rhetorical. Why is Zeke with Lauren not Shauna? Simple, because this is fanfiction. I don't like Shauna, and since Lauren was under explored in the books but the same age I used her instead. Someone also said they thought it was too early for Tris to tell Christina about her and Four. That was a split second decision on Tris's part, she needed someone to confide in and it had the added bonus of giving her someone else to cover for any absences so she can spend more time with Tobias. It was also pointed out that I should up the rating. I want to know why I should do this, what did I leave in that you felt wasn't appropriate for a teen rating? I faded to black for the sex scenes and quite a lot of teen books discuss sex they just don't describe it. I can't properly edit the story if I don't know what you think I should cut out. **

It ends, not with a whimper but a bang

Tris

When I arrive at Tobias's apartment he is pacing furiously and muttering under his breath. I am suddenly scared; whatever he has to say is going to be bad. "Beatrice, we need to talk." I was right, Tobias never calls me Beatrice. My name has always been Tris to him, sometimes Bea but never Beatrice. "What you did in the simulation shouldn't have been possible. You were way too aware and the way you manipulated it, no one does that. The only people capable of doing that are known as Divergent and that is basically a death sentence. If that's what you are, you can't tell anyone, not even Christina."

I'm filled with a cold dread and then remember that there is more, the original reason for this conversation. "I get it, I won't tell anybody. When I go through the landscape I will do it just like you said, don't manipulate it, find a way to calm down instead. Now tell me about the files you found, why were you going through their private stuff anyway?"

I watch as Tobias struggles to decide what he wants to say. "Something has felt off with them lately so yes I hacked their computers. It's a good thing I did. I found comprehensive war plans. Erudite has created long distance simulation serums. Every member of Dauntless is going to be injected on ranking day. They are going to use us as an army to take down Abnegation and seize control of the government. We have to stop this from happening, any ideas?"

Sure I have plenty of ideas but they mostly involve running and hiding. Not very Dauntless of me but they are just thoughts and I know in reality I will act. "Well if they are going to inject us on ranking day the serum must already be here. The final test is only a week away after all. We need to simultaneously destroy all the serum and the control program. So we find the serum and figure out a way to get you into Erudite. We should go talk to my dad; he transferred from Erudite and used to be friends with Jeanine Mathews. If anyone can give us a clue to where she would keep this stuff and how to gain access, it will be him. This concerns him anyway; he is one of the Abnegation leaders. Don't worry we will avoid your father, no need to involve him."

Tobias

I am shocked by how much sense Tris's plan makes. It's not like I think she's stupid but the idea of going to her dad is a good one, hopefully it will help us. "We should leave now, the sooner the better. If we get caught we can just claim to have gone out for some kinky outdoor sex, no one will question that." She goes into the bathroom, probably making sure she is respectfully covered and to put her hair in a bun. We leave and catch the train with no problems, and ride towards Abnegation in silence.

It's late when we arrive, the darkness ensuring we aren't seen. Tris open the door to her parents' house, of course they don't lock it, and we walk right in. She motions for me to sit on the couch and goes upstairs to wake them up. This sure as hell isn't how I wanted to see Tris's parents again, hello Mr. and Mrs. Prior sorry for waking you up in the middle of the night but my Faction is going to be turned into zombies and kill all of Abnegation. Yes, that is going to go over so well.

Tris comes back down with her parents and they sit down across from us. I quickly explain the situation to them; we need their help since we have no clue how to accomplish our goal. Mr. Prior looks like he is thinking hard and Mrs. Prior speaks up in his silence "while Andrew is thinking about what you just told us, tell me how initiation is going, are there any problems?" I look at her curiously, trying to figure out what exactly it is she wants to know, "Mrs. Prior," she interrupts me immediately "call me Natalie, you are dating my daughter after all, I think that earns you the right to call me by my name." I nod "Natalie then, what exactly are you asking, and how do you know Tris and I are dating?"

Natalie laughs, sounding just like Tris, "you know exactly what I'm asking Tobias or should I call you Four? How is Tris doing in the simulations, is she Divergent? I always suspected she might be. And as for how I knew the 2 of you were dating? I am a mother, I see everything. Don't get me wrong, you were very discreet but you 2 were always together. I guessed and when she transferred to Dauntless I was sure."

Seems like I may have underestimated Natalie just a bit, I shouldn't have, she is Tris's mom after all. "You are not wrong, Tris is Divergent. But you don't need to worry; I deleted the data and blacked out the camera recording for that time. I will be sure to mention getting carried away with my girlfriend before her first simulation, that I merely erased the recording to protect her modesty. It blows our secret but initiation is almost over anyway. Tris knows what she needs to do in the simulations now; there won't be any more problems. I promise you I will keep her safe; my instructor Amar did the same for me. I will run her through her fear landscape until she can do it in her sleep without manipulating anything."

Tris

I hate when people talk about me like I'm not in the room but this conversation is pretty interesting. My mom knew about me and Tobias the whole time. Also she suspected I was Divergent but never said anything, "wait Tobias, did you just admit to being Divergent too? Why else would Amar have helped you the same way you are helping me? And mom, I can't believe you knew about Tobias and never said anything to me. Also why didn't you mention you thought I was Divergent, it would have helped to know ahead of time?"

I watch my mom and Tobias both trying to figure out what to say, Tobias speaks first "yes I'm Divergent and I'm sorry for not telling you but you have always been so strong and fearless that I just assumed you had an aptitude for Dauntless. I didn't think I needed to worry about that and I didn't want to put you in danger by knowing about me." That makes sense I guess but I still don't understand my mom's silence. "Beatrice, I didn't tell you my suspicions because I hoped I was wrong. I was protecting you from the knowledge just like Tobias. And as for the 2 of you, I figured when you wanted to tell me you would. I allowed you to keep something private, just for you; I know how rare that is in Abnegation."

I look over at my dad just as he sort of jumps and rejoins the conversation, "Natalie why did you never tell me you thought they were dating? Never mind you can tell me later, we have more important matter to discuss. Tobias, you hurt Beatrice and I will hurt you. I trust my daughter to know her own mind but I know you had a difficult childhood, if I could have done anything I would have. I am sorry for that, but if you ever treat her the way your father treated you and your mother behind closed doors, I will kill you."

I start laughing hysterically, I just can't help it "Dad you would have to get in line, I can fight my own battles. Seriously you have nothing to worry about, Tobias won't even fight me full out in the ring, he always holds back. Thanks for trying to protect me. I seriously hate that you knew how bad Marcus was and never did anything about it though." My dad looks sad and guilty when he responds, "Marcus outranks me, and if I tried to do anything he would have claimed I just wanted his job. The same way he is dismissing Jeanine's slanderous articles as a desperate attempt to seize control of the government. If I had truly thought I could help and not just make things worse I would have."

I take him at his word, he seems sincere. We really have more important things to discuss anyway. "While you guys were chatting about Divergent issues I was thinking about the problem. I may have an idea to get you in, but you will need to be able to hack into very secure computers, can you do that Tobias?" After his nod my dad continues "there was a kid in Erudite with me, Nathaniel Barton, really good with computer hacking but dumb as a post otherwise. He failed every practice test he took, but he used to brag that he could just hack the computer during initiation and switch his scores with someone else. I ran into him not that long ago, he works as a security guard for the private labs. He even admitted that he followed through with his plan and switched his scores. Find proof of that, I'm sure there is a way to trace it, and you can blackmail him. Have him take you in as a guard in training and you will have the access you need. But it would be a one opportunity thing, get in destroy the programs plus whatever serum is stored in the lab and get back out. Don't give him the time to admit he cheated. Nathaniel comes out of this looking clueless, he was just training the new guy who showed up in uniform and you accomplish what you need to. Are we thinking that there is already a stock of serum at Dauntless? You need to find that and destroy it at the exact same time, so no one figures out what's happening until it's too late."

My mom looks excited before she speaks up "I was born in Dauntless, my parents were in leadership before they died. I know where something that important would be kept. There is a hidden room in the top leader's office, find a book titled Peaceful Nonviolence on the big bookshelf, pull that out and it turns to reveal a secret room. No one from Dauntless would ever touch a book like that, so the room stays safe. There is still a lock on the door but it could be picked easily. Create a chemical compound that will explode, throw some into the room and you destroy the serum but it looks like an accident. If you make sure the cameras are down in that area no one will ever figure out what happened. No program, plus no serum means they will have to start from scratch; it buys us time if nothing else."

My mom was born Dauntless? God I really wish Abnegation allowed us to share more stuff about ourselves, I would have gotten advice from her if I had known. Hopefully I will have more time to get to know this side of my mother. "OK this plan should work, thank you guys for your help, we will let you know if it is successful, since I doubt anything will be publicized." We get up to leave and I hug both my parents' goodbye, while Tobias stands to the side a bit awkwardly. I am astounded by what happens when my parents approach Tobias. They both take off their wedding rings and place them in his hand. He looks at them wide eyed not believing it either. What they just did is an ancient Abnegation custom; it shows they approve of a marriage between us. It's defiantly way too early for marriage but he takes the rings anyway, it's the intent that matters. He replies formally "thank you for your approval, her needs now come before my own, her happiness is my happiness." Once the formality is observed, he adds "I love Tris with everything I am, I would die to keep her safe. I promise you will never regret the trust you just gave me." I hug them again thanking them both, making sure they know how much I value their approval.

When we get back to Dauntless we run in to Max, damn, I hoped we would get back in with no problems. "Four, Tris, what are you guys doing out alone?" I blush furiously, forcing myself to think of embarrassing things to achieve this. Tobias responds "Tris and I just wanted a bit of fresh air, an outdoor adventure, if you know what I mean?" Tobias winks at Max to get his point across. He laughs before responding "yes I believe I know what you mean. Would that also be why the video of Tris's first fear simulation has a chunk of time missing? Got a bit carried away and forgot about the camera? How long have you 2 been together anyway?" Tobias tries to look a bit ashamed "I will admit Tris distracted me and I forgot about the cameras completely. Stupid, but you know how it is when there is a pretty girl in the room; most of your blood is nowhere near your brain. And 3 years, sir, 6 if you count our friendship, you already know we both transferred from Abnegation. I really am sorry about the video, it won't happen again." Max shrugs "don't worry about it. You aren't ranking her so it doesn't really matter. Just keep it quiet until the final tests; I don't want to listen to a bunch of whiny initiates complaining about unfair scoring. Once it's over no one will care." Tobias gives him a quick Dauntless handshake "that was always the plan sir. We don't want to cause any problems." Max walks away looking satisfied, that went really well. We return to Tobias' room and fall asleep instantly. I'm sure both of us would have liked to do more but we need to be well rested in order to succeed.

Tobias

I truly can't believe the plan worked, not a single thing went wrong. When does that ever happen in real life? I walk back into the Dauntless compound and head to my apartment, Tris is there waiting, a huge smile on her face. "everyone is already talking about it; they are saying a chemical accident ruined everything in Max's office and private lab. I overheard them blaming Erudite for not storing the serums properly. How did things go on your end?" I return her smile, "just like your dad said it would. I destroyed the program and all the data related to it. The spare serum is gone too, I knocked over the rack it was stored on, so all the bottles were shattered. I don't know who they are blaming because I left right after but I know I wasn't seen. Even Nathaniel never got a great look at me, thanks to the contacts and wig. We saved everyone and they will never even know."

Tris laughs happily "it doesn't matter if we get credit. Once I pass initiation and take the other leadership position we will be known for the things we do together. If we don't want anything like this to be planed again something has to change, the factions, the government, everything really. It's time for a new world and we are going to make it happen, that's what we will be remembered for."

There are miles to go and no time to sleep. We only have a few days to get Tris ready for her final test. She needs as much practice as she can get before going through her fear landscape observed. She has to do well so she gets the open leadership position but not give away her Divergence in the process. Practice makes perfect and that is what we will do.

**I know you are all probably thinking, well that was anticlimactic. It was meant to be. I hated that in the books Tobias saw the war plans and did nothing until it was too late. If he could destroy the program after they use it, why not before? As for dedicating a whole chapter to the execution of their plan, it seemed a bit redundant after they discussed all the details with Tris's parents. Now that the war is postponed they can get on with trying to fix the government. Because the power should be more balanced but you don't need a big war to achieve that. **


	9. Fear shows no mercy, why should I?

_I just wanted to thank the guest reviewer who pointed out that Tris cusses too much. You are absolutely right; it is completely out of character even for my tougher version of her character. I went back and edited her language. If anyone else has constructive criticism I would love to hear it. I can't get better if I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Also thank you to everyone who is reading and reviewing in general, I love you guys so much. _

Fear shows no mercy, why should I?

Tobias

Stage 2 of initiation is over and Tris is still ranked first, this is almost over. I know the best way to get Tris used to the fear landscape is to take her in to mine first. I have been through mine so many times it is practically a routine. I know I can explain everything clearly. Facing hers will be facing the unknown. If she doesn't have a firmer grasp of not manipulating the simulations first, I know we won't get anywhere.

We inject each other and drop the needles. Suddenly we are on the top of the Hancock building, I know Tris doesn't get this fear, she finds heights exhilarating. "How do we get out Tobias?" I sigh trying not to shake in fear. I point to the wires and harness "either we zip line to the bottom or jump to our deaths. Both will break it; zip lining makes more sense, though I usually jump." I see Tris smiling and can't help but be happy that at least one of us will enjoy this. She walks to the harness and motions for me to strap us in. I thought maybe after doing this with her, I would get over the fear but it looks like I was wrong. The experience isn't any better than the first time, even having Tris in my arms doesn't make this worth repeating. We finally reach the ground and when I am breathing deeply again the simulation breaks.

We appear in a small nondescript room and almost immediately the walls are closing in on us. "what should we do Tris?" She looks thoughtful for a moment, "I say screw the walls, just ignore them." She follows this statement with the bold move of climbing into my lap. "Just focus on me, breathe and pretend we are anywhere but here." Suddenly Tris's mouth is on mine, demanding and just a bit harsh. She bites and tugs on my bottom lip, that small pain insuring my attention is only on her. As her mouth is moving down my neck, she whispers "slow down your heart, we are in no rush, calm down." I try to slow my breathing even as she trails maddening kisses down my neck. My heart rate finally goes down and we are free.

I know this room well, and I don't even tense when I feel the gun on the back of my head. Real life Tris is nowhere to be seen, but a simulation version is tied to a chair in front of me. "Pick up the gun and kill her, do it or I will shoot you." I struggle with this one; usually I just close my eyes and do it quickly in order to get out. But I hesitate knowing Tris can see me, I think hard trying to come up with another way out of this. It comes to me suddenly and I feel stupid for killing her over and over in simulations when the solution is so simple. I pick up the gun and shoot myself instead.

It worked and now we are in my room in Abnegation. This is my deepest fear, the one I'm sure will never go away. I look up when my father enters "this is for your own good, son." Marcus stares at me and I feel like a kid again, no matter how many times I face this I can never stand up to him. My father swings his arm back, preparing to strike me with his belt. Suddenly Tris darts in front of me and the belt cracks against her wrist, wrapping around it. She pulls hard, taking the belt from him. She swings it herself, hitting my father in the face. "You will never touch him again, he is mine and you can't have him." I feel warm and happy when Tris says this. Standing beside her, facing him as a team I feel unafraid for the first time ever, the fear breaks, maybe for good.

The lights come on and we are back in the bare brick room. "That was just to give you an idea of how the landscapes differ from the single simulations. How it feels to get through them all without manipulating anything. We will face yours every night between now and the test. You will also get to practice every day during class. You will know your fears so well by evaluation day that you will blow even my time out of the water." I walk her back to the dorm and give her a quick kiss goodnight, hidden in the shadows. This is going to be a long week but its life or death and what better motivator is there?

Tris

Today is finally the end of stage 3 and I am terrified. I know I'm ready; Tobias and I have been through my fear landscape over and over again. I know how to get past each fear without showing my Divergence. That doesn't mean I'm not worried. It's easy to do this with only Tobias present. But knowing I have an audience and that my very life depends on doing everything right, I would be lying if I said I was completely ok.

7 fears feels like a lot to me but I know it's not. Most people average 10 to 15, and with all my practice I know I have 2 distinct advantages. But one of my fears still delays me more often than not, giving others a chance to beat me. I watch the timer above the testing room, we can see the time running up and when it stops but nothing else. According to Tobias, they used to let everyone watch. Only the leaders saw the illusions created by the serum but everyone could watch your actions. Thank god that changed, I'm having enough problems with the size of the audience. Uriah comes out of the room looking shaken and checks the stopped clock, 35 minutes; it's the best so far. "Your turn Tris, beat my time and I'll get you a new tattoo." I smile, trying to project a confidence I don't feel, "better make sure you have those points ready, I have less fears, there's no way you can win."

It's amazing how something simple like bantering with Uriah calmed my nerves. They improve further when I see Four smiling at me, he mouths good luck and suddenly I know I can do this. I grab the needle and stab my neck. I can do this, I have to do this, my whole future, my life itself depends on it.

I look around in wonder; there is so much empty space. My moment of calm is broken when I notice a tiger stalking towards me. Fear rushes through me, I am completely powerless, there is no way I can fight something that big. Then I remember what I forget in my moment of panic, there is a knife strapped to my thigh. There is always a knife hidden there that I can reach through my pocket. I draw the knife and the minute my hand touches the metal I am no longer afraid. I remember the first time I held a knife, that rush of power has never gone away. I steady my stance and throw the knife hard, it lodges itself in the beast's neck and I'm gone, on to the next simulation.

I find myself behind the wheel of an out of control car and smile, this one I know well. You never forget your first fear simulation. If I could just overcome the overall terror of this test, I wouldn't need to beat the fears individually. I give up on calming my heartbeat and just focus on beating each scenario as it comes. The car is barely starting to sink when I roll down the window and swim out. I break the water's surface and remind myself I am not weak. I don't need to shatter the glass to prove my strength, I just need to survive.

Suddenly I am bound at the chasm again, Peter promising me to Al, tied up like a present. This fear is a bit harder for me. I know that in real life, Tobias got there in time and Al didn't rape me. But in here Tobias isn't coming, I have to save myself. I swear, kicking and screaming, while Al tries to remove my clothes. His hand covers my mouth and I bite it hard. This gives me the only chance to escape. I know I can't outrun him; my legs are so much shorter than his. I would rather die than let this happen; so I do the only thing I can, jump into the chasm. The calm feeling of falling, of making my own choice, gives back my control breaking the simulation.

I look around and realize I'm trapped in a classroom. This must be the fire, I really wish these things always came in the same order; it would save a few seconds confusion. I've been afraid of being trapped like this ever since my school caught fire when I was a kid. In reality I was rescued by some Abnegation volunteers, but that won't happen here. I react quickly, tying the curtains to the radiator by the window and lowering myself close to the ground. When I land I'm already somewhere new.

I'm in Tobias's room in Abnegation, bound and gagged watching Marcus stalk towards me. "You are a bad influence on my son; I need to make you disappear." Marcus is kidnapping me, planning to kill me. I know what to do, so I let myself be put in the back of his van. Once we are moving, I face the door backwards and carefully open it. I throw my body out of the moving vehicle and take off running. Why does no one ever remember to bind my feet? The van moving down the road without Marcus realizing I escaped breaks the fear.

Suddenly I am in Tobias apartment staring at the words fear god alone above his bed. He is sprawled across it looking at me in that way that melts my bones and turns my brain to mush. "Take off your clothes Tris, come to bed." Screw it, in that moment I decide I don't care that he is watching for real. I doubt he thinks I'm hiding Double Ds under my shirt, and at least my stomach is flat. I smile at him and remove my shirt quickly, the scene breaks when I move to remove my jeans. Guess I'm not as afraid of that as I thought. But this last fear gets me every time. It's the only one left so I know what I will be seeing.

I'm in a bare room and Tobias is dead on the ground. He is laying in a pool of blood with a bullet hole through his head. Suddenly he is no longer still but talking to me, telling me I killed him; that it's my fault he's dead. I scream and cry trying to ignore the blood, god it's so red, I can't stop staring at it. I know I need to calm my heart rate, it's the only way out of this, there is nothing for me to fight here. But I just can't, Tobias has stopped talking, he is still again. I crawl towards him, and wrap myself around his cold body. I'm covered in blood and barely getting any air though the sobs when I hear Tobias's voice in my head telling me this isn't real. He had to tell me that over and over again when we faced this together. This isn't real, Tobias is in this room watching me, and if I break the simulation I can see him alive and well. I sit down and slowly breathe in and out counting my breaths. It feels like it takes forever but finally I calm down and I'm out.

The first thing I see when I return is Tobias smiling at me proudly. I run towards him not caring about our audience and throw myself into his arms, kissing every bit of skin I can reach. "its ok Bea, I'm ok. It wasn't real, you know that." Yes I know that but god it felt so real. I allow him to set me on the ground and suddenly realize we are being stared at.

I'm blushing hard when Max speaks up, "That was impressive Tris, every action on your part was logical and well executed. You have showed us you can act despite your fear which is important. Being brave isn't being fearless, it's being afraid and doing it anyway. I have just one question, what was with the strip tease?" I turn even redder before I reply "I have a small chest; I don't like taking my shirt off. Doing it was the fasted way out of the fear. It's not my worst obviously but everyone has to have one stupid fear right?" Max laughs "get over that and you will only have 6. You 2 can be known as Four and Six." A women I don't know speaks next "was I the only one who didn't know you 2 were together? And does the rape fear have any connection with that guy Al being found nearly dead at the chasm?" I pause for a moment before responding. "Very few knew about us, we were waiting until after initiation, so no one could complain about favoritism. I truly wish I knew what happened to Al but I'm as clueless as you guys. That fear was simply a manifestation of his crush and the very creepy way him and Peter watched me." She nods in response letting me know I'm free to go.

I walk out of the room and realize everyone is staring at me, Christina in typical Candor honesty tells me I look like crap but then points to my time. No wonder everyone is staring, the clock reads 17:26. "You owe me a tattoo, Uriah." I punch him in the arm and run off to get ready for the banquet.

I stop for a moment when I realize I don't have anything to be worried about anymore. I passed the test with the best time; I'm sure I will be ranked first and get the leadership job. I did this without once manipulating the simulation, my secret is safe and tonight Tobias and I can stop hiding our relationship. I take a deep breath and relax for the first time since holding my bleeding palm over the Dauntless bowl. I laugh aloud in joy, I did it, I really did it.


	10. I read about the evils of drinking

**This chapter gets steamy so visit my a03 page if you are interested in reading it uncut. Thanks to everyone reading and reviewing, you guys rock. After rechecking the book I realized numbers 8-10 aren't mentioned by name. I used a baby name dictionary to pick their names but don't fret I'm not creating oc's just filling the blanks. They will work the fence, so they will only ever be mentioned in passing if they get mentioned again at all. If their names were listed somewhere and I just missed it please let me know so I can fix it.**

I read about the evils of drinking, so I gave up reading

Tobias

Today is always one of the best days and nights at Dauntless. There is of course a formal banquet, but once the rankings are posted the whole thing turns into a party. We are a group that will use any excuse to party. As one of the leaders I am expected to arrive early and make sure everything is in order. So I am sitting at a table on the stage bored to death waiting for everyone to arrive.

Tris walks in and my eyes are drawn to her like a magnet. There is a fourth raven tattooed on her collarbone, I guess Uriah paid his debt. She looks magnificent in a black dress similar to the last one she wore. It's obvious why she favors that style, it looks really good on her. She is wearing dramatic makeup and her hair is down and deliberately messy. I just have to be patient for little while longer, once the rankings are announced she is no longer off limits. Tris looks up at me and smiles, mouthing soon. I nod knowing she is as impatient as I am to stop hiding.

Finally everyone is here and we sit down to eat. When the meal ends Max stands to address the room "today we welcome our new members, if you see your name on the board behind me congratulations, if you don't we are very sorry but you did not make the cut. All those whose names appear please follow myself and the other leaders so we can discuss your job options and housing arrangements." The names appear on the board, I breathe a sigh of relief. Tris is first, I'm not surprised but nothing is official until your name appears on that board and it was hard not to be a tiny bit nervous.

1. Tris

2. Uriah

3. Lynn

4. Marlene

5. Peter

6. Will

7. Christina

8. Calyx

9. Elysium

10. Venishah

Tris

I didn't really doubt where my name would appear on the list but it is still a relief to see it officially. I follow my friends to the room behind the stage, still in a bit of a daze. "As you all know jobs are picked in the order you are ranked, here is a list of the jobs available, take a few moments to look and then you will pick. What job you pick also determines where your apartment is located. They are already furnished so you may move in tonight after the party."

I look over the list curiously, there are a lot of options but very few are truly desirable. I smile when I'm asked what my choice is, like there was ever a question. I'm told that Four will mentor me and show me where my apartment is located. I listen as the others make their choices; Uriah takes a job in law enforcement, Lynn and Marlene both choose the tattoo parlor, Peter takes a job as Max's assistant, Will chooses the control room, Christina seems thrilled that no one picked Manager for the clothing store, and the 3 I barely know all end up at the fence.

We leave the room and return to the banquet, but in our absence it has turned into a party. Loud music is playing and everyone is dancing and drinking. Four grabs my hand and pulls me back to him, kissing me hard. I can't help but melt into it completely forgetting our audience. When we part the people who didn't know are looking at us in surprise. Uriah punches a fist in the air "pay up ladies, I told you they were an item. I always know these things." No one else says anything or seems to care so we grab drinks and move to the dance floor. The press of people is intense but I have Tobias with me so it's ok. I allow him to guide my hips to the beat and soon we are plastered together enjoying the music. I never realized before but dancing is a bit like sex with your clothes on. I blush and try to reign in my thoughts and hormones. We dance for a few songs before moving off the floor, heading to a table in the corner that our friends have claimed.

The discussion seems to be centered on us and who knew we were together. "I will save you guys the speculation and discussion. Four and I have been friends since we were kids and a couple for 3 years now. We kept it to ourselves during initiation so I could prove myself on my own. The only people who knew were Zeke, Lauren, Christina, Peter and Max. Peter, like Uriah, guessed, Max caught us together, and the rest were told but asked to keep quite. Any questions, no, good, let's move on." I down another drink and change the subject to everyone's new jobs and apartments.

Tobias

I have lost track of how many drinks I've had and I think Tris is on her fourth or fifth. The party has been going half the night and everyone is cheerful, loud and some are downright smashed. Tris and I are dancing again, the alcohol has loosened her up, and she is dancing like nothing else matters. Her hands are above her head and her hips are swaying against mine. If I don't get her alone soon I just might ravish her here on the dance floor. The song ends and we are walking back towards the table when Tris trips and falls. She is definitely drunk, a perfect excuse to leave. When I help her up she giggles and informs me "I didn't fall you know, the floor just looked like it needed a hug." This causes me and the rest of our group to burst out laughing, "I'm taking you to bed now Tris, no more giving hugs to random inanimate objects tonight." She giggles again "I like bed, we always have fun when we are in bed." We wave goodbye to our laughing friends and stumble back to my apartment, I'm not completely sober myself.

The door to my apartment is barely closed before Tris is dragging me towards the bedroom.

Tris

I wake up the next morning wrapped in Tobias arms and while that feels lovely the pounding in my head does not. Tobias gets up, reappearing with a bottle of water and some aspirin, "how do you feel?" He asks me this like he already knows the answer. I swallow the pills and answer anyway, "like a marching band in cleats got lost and look up residence in my head." He chuckles and I kind of want to smack him. He seems well enough but he obviously has more experience with Dauntless parties than I do. "Once you get up, I can show you your apartment, I already brought your stuff up. Though I wanted to talk to you about that, I was kind of hoping you would move in here with me." I'm can't say I'm surprised, I figured he would ask.

I think hard before giving my response not wanting to hurt his feelings. "I like the idea of us living together but not right away. I have never had my own place before and I think it might be nice. I doubt either of us will ever sleep alone but having someplace to go when we need some solitude will be good for us. I don't want to ruin what we have by moving too quickly." Tobias looks a bit hurt "I understand and you are probably right. I have been waiting for you to be here for so long that I want you as close as possible, but we are both private people. Maybe we can look into getting one of the family apartments later, multiple rooms so we both have our own space. And until then we learn what it's like to be around each other all the time, knowing we have someplace to go when we need space."

I smile happily, I am so glad he is ok with my decision. "You will help me shop for stuff to fix my place up right, or is shopping something I should get Christina to do with me instead? I hear the apartments are very spartan. I figure you will be spending a lot of time there so I want you to be comfortable too." Tobias pulls me towards him and kisses me, momentarily distracting me from the conversation. "I will go shopping with you; eventually everything is going to be at our place so I want to like your stuff. We should begin our new lives as we mean to continue, together. This weekend we shop and relax. Monday morning we start your training. You will unfortunately have to jump in at the deep end, there is a Faction ambassadors meeting Monday afternoon. Are you ready to start changing the world?" As long as Tobias is at my side I am ready for anything.

**Thank you all for taking this journey through my first story with me. This was originally going to be longer but a comment in my reviews of the last chapter asking if that was the end made me realize I was at a good stopping point. This chapter did feel like a better end than the last though. Don't worry there will be a sequel; they have to change the world after all. I hope you all enjoyed reading my story. The start of the sequel will be up soon.**


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